I can’t sleep tonight, it’s very hot and I’ve done nothing to warrant being tired therefore I am gracing my blog with a second post tonight!
The title of this post may confuse you but read on and I can promise you that all will make sense eventually! I’ll start by giving you a backstory about everything leading up to the title so you can better understand what I mean!
I had finished primary school many years ago and progressed on to secondary school. This was a place of nightmares for me, I was continually mentally and physically bullied as a child for being “different”. I didn’t know what was different about me, I couldn’t see it, I didn’t think I was any different to everyone else, perhaps more mature and observational but that was about it. Anyway the bullying got really bad, I was pinned up against a wall with people crowding around me, I had people trying to force me to smoke and drink because they thought it was cool. The best of all was having my fingers broken by a girl in my class. I can still remember the moment it happened as clear as day and I can still remember the horrendous pain I felt. I remember screaming and howling with tears in my eyes as the paim grew stronger. I remember the security guard rushing me to reception to go to hospital and I still remember the girl’s face when she did it. Things like that never really leave your mind and will always have a significant effect on your future. I don’t go around telling everyone this though as it is unecessary for them to know.
Anyway, after this whole episode the girl was expelled for three days and returned to school as if nothing happened. This was when I decided I wanted to leave, I couldn’t handle being afraid of walking to school everyday, I couldn’t handle watching my back every second in case I got jumped or worse. I just couldn’t handle the incessant mental abuse more than anything and I needed to get away. I left school and was home-schooled until the age of sixteen. I never went out, lost all of my friends and became an anti-social, quiet, alone person and I enjoyed that, nobody to bully or abuse me and nobody to get in my way. I went to college when I turned sixteen and began to come into contact with other people again and soon I started looking at other people in particular ways. I noticed I didn’t find girls attractive but found boys very attractive. I started exploring the internet and getting to see what online material I could find. This further backed up my belief so I decided to act on it physically and discovered that I was right.
Accepting who I am was extremely hard when I first realised. I went through this extremely gay phase where I personified the word as I felt everyone needed to know. As time went on I started to grow up and realise that the world didn’t need to know and honestly didn’t care. This was when I really got to grips with my sexuality.
I decided that I won’t define myself as gay because that is a societal stereotype and that is not what I’m about. Yes I like men, yes I like penis and yes I don’t like women. I have this belief that just because I like men now does not mean I always will, I can’t just ignore women because I’m ‘gay’. I need to remain open minded about it all and if I happen to like a girl I happen to like a girl. It’s happened before, I did sexual things with a girl but didn’t really enjoy it! Doesn’t mean I never will.
There are a lot of colleagues at work who, when they discover I’m ‘gay’, instantly react in the same way. “OH MY GOD, I SO COULDN’T TELL!!” To which my reply is always “Good, that’s how I like it”. I will not allow my sexuality to define me as I don’t believe sexuality is something you should physically see in a person.
I know this was a lengthy post with the odd few side trackings however it all connects somehow!
Remember – Don’t Be Stereotypical, Don’t Play The Stereotype, Be Yourself!